In the year 13 of The Golden Great Ape’s reign, the following conversation is recorded. Three voices are heard. Names have been changed for the purposes of safety and pedantry.
*Knocking*
*Footsteps*
*Door opens*
Mr. Black: Mr. Ray?
Mr. Ray: Yes?
Mr. Black: Mr. Ray, my name is Mr. Black, this is my partner, Mr. White. May we come in?
Mr. Ray: Fine men such as yourselves are always welcome at my table. Will you be having coffee?
Mr. Black: No, Mr Ray, we need to ask you a few questions.
Mr. Ray: Any information I might have that you are missing is but yours for the asking.
Mr. Black: Mr. Ray, you have been the subject of numerous reports of suspicion of seditious thoughts, specifically blasphemy and treason. Do you know anything about these?
Mr. Ray: Are these newer complaints than since the last time I was interrogated on similar subjects?
Mr. Black: Yes, Mr. Ray. These are newer. And, as we were going over the notes from the previous interview, we noticed something suspicious.
Mr. Ray: Indeed? Well forthwith you must have sallied forth hence to allay or affirm such suspicion!
Mr. Black: ...Uhm, yes. The flowery language was noted in the earlier reports. In fact, that is, in some ways, the source of our suspicion.
Mr. Ray: How dreadful! Vile verbosity has once again ensnared my traitorous tongue. Gentlemen, your knife, if you please. Ne’er again shall I voice such vice! Strike from me the poison limb, my virtuous souls, so that we may free ourselves forevermore from such villainy!
Mr. Black: (coughs) Mr. Ray. If you wouldn’t mind, we need a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to the following questions.
Mr. Ray: But truly, faithful shield of our nation’s peace, I mind you well and therefor mind you not.
Mr. Black: Are you a patriot?
Mr. Ray: I love my country.
Mr. Black: (sighs) Mr. Ray, I really need you to use ‘yes’ or ‘no’ so that we can have a clear report on this.
Mr. Ray: Then perhaps my face can witness best as it now wears the colors of our nation! I flush red with embarrassment and pale white with fear for when you look back on this you’ll know this moment to be that in which I blew it. For I must beg you, please take pity on my impoverished brain, explain to me what manner of thing is that you ask if I am which is a patriot.
Mr. Black: A patriot is someone who loves their country and defends it. They don’t hide behind words and are proud to admit they are patriots.
Mr. Ray: Then I am proud to say I love my country. Yes, my brothers, we are then patriots together, loving their country and countrymen! Such manly love, I can barely bear another moment. Now, men, shall we toast? I have some fine or at least pricey whiskey?
Mr. White: Bribing an official can get you sent to the reformitorium.
Mr. Ray: Gentlemen! I am a worm beneath your boot that I would ever think to unduly sway your lordships. I am an insect, perhaps a wasp who in its hive knows that the ones who protect him might have need of extra things the queen does not always provide them with. Since they are all that stand between the world without, which would do them harm and between chaos within, which can consume the wasp as swiftly, such soldiers must have what they need. And so by force or gift, they get their just desserts. Just desserts was all I meant, not a bribe to look away but a gift to help you look closer and see how much you are appreciated.
Mr. Black: Thank you, perhaps later.
Mr. Ray: I sit with baited-
Mr. White: Mr. Ray!
Mr. Ray: Ever your servant, your lordship.
Mr. Black: Mr. Ray, the last question I have to ask is, are you a Christian?
Mr. Ray: I am seen every Sunday building houses for the poor.
Mr. Black: Yes, but are you a Christian?
Mr. Ray: I have never driven by a broken down car without offering to help.
Mr. Black: Mr. Ray-
Mr. Ray: Never have I turned anyone away from my table whether they wore rich silks or cotton rags with holes.
Mr. Black: Mr. Ray, if-
Mr. Ray: And those holey clothes I traded for my less worn ones and did what I could do to help such friends beyond mere couture.
Mr. White: Mr. Ray, we have reports of you uttering blasphemies against God and Country! And now you dodge our questions! Stop hiding behind your prose! I ask you once again, are you a Christian?
Mr. Ray: And I think my actions speak far louder than any of the many words I have. Am I Christian? Do I do Christian things?
Mr. White: Christians profess themselves as christian.
Mr. Ray: And such professions have no bearing on whether their hand reaches to help their brother up or shove him down. If all you want is words, I do have many. But on matters of such import, and important must such things be if the penalty is 20 years in the reformatory, I would urge you look to actions more than words. Were I to proclaim myself a car, would you drive me? If I call myself a rainbow, would you think me anything but human? Why solicit symbols from my lips when my actions are referents far more irrefutable?
Mr. White: So you are a Christian?
Mr. Ray: In deed, I am.
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